And The Award Goes To…
September 12, 2010 § Leave a comment
“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” -Henri Bergson
Once again my blog-commitment issues have prevailed. It’s hard to believe it but seven months have gone by since my last post. At least I found my way back to it unlike other blogs that have disappeared into the abyss.
I’m sitting here in my dining room eating Nacho Cheese Doritos and thinking about what profound analogies or amusing anecdotes I could write about and find that once again, I’m planning before doing which is what I’d previously promised myself not to do. It figures as much.
So here’s what you’ve missed in the last seven months…
I’ve lost a good friend. She was very much a sister to me. I’ve lost her not in the sense that they ran away and can’t be found but that I made some mistakes and let a friendship that was very important die. It seems that regardless of promises made, secrets told and memories that tie you to someone things are still very fragile and seemingly difficult to keep. I suppose it’s a good reminder that nothing on this earth, and no one, is permanent. It’s also a good reminder to cherish the time you have with people because you never know when it could be over.
On the tail end of losing a good friend I’ve gained a few more who have the potential of being very close. I suppose in a way it provides comfort for the hurt left by those who were lost but at the same time the chemistry you have with one person will never cover the loss of what you’ve had with another.
Yes, I’m still dating said guy from the previous post. We’ve had our fair share of super high’s as well as manic lows. It seems that I continue to learn important life lessons through my relationships. So far in this one I’ve learned that the grass is never greener on the other side, that you should appreciate what you have while you have it, that there is a thin line between self aware and selfish and that if you open up your heart enough and let someone in you’ll be surprised at what you find.. and how you feel.. and what you’ve been missing out on.
I’m happy with my life although it’s a bittersweet happiness at times.. one that tastes of melancholy and laughter. I’ve realized about myself that I have a hard time letting go of things. Not that I hold grudges because I’m honestly hardly ever angry. It’s more like being hurt by someone and then building a tall, wide wall that is very hard to take down because I’m afraid of what’s on the other side… or who might be trying to get in.
A very good friend of mine put it in a way that I don’t suppose I’ll ever forget. It’s like I have a castle and the real me is inside of the castle but in order to get to me you have to make your way over the bridge, through the moat past the man eating crocodiles and then you have to get the gate up. But once you’re in there’s cake and punch and everything is open to you… but the getting in is the hard part. He said he was like that but I realized that I’m like that as well.
He’s very good at putting things into perspective and his ability to read people is admirable. I often wondered how people see me… if they can see past the facade I sometimes put up. I asked him how he sees me and he gave me an answer that, to me, is a perfect analogy.
I’m like a river. The surface of the water is still like glass, calm and inviting. But then once you step foot in the river you realize that underneath there is life, movement and that the current is strong.
Not only can I picture what he’s saying there but I can feel it too because that’s what I do. It’s what I’m best at. I spend a lot of time putting on my calm, quiet and relaxed face when underneath I’m full of emotions and energy. But why do I hide what’s underneath? I suppose therein lies the quest… to find that elusive thing that makes me what I am.
As far as my career I can say that at the moment I am content with the path I find myself on. There’s a sense of accomplishment that comes along with this job and it seems to me that there is room to grow and evolve and progress. What more could a person ask for but to be happy with what they spend the better part of their day doing?
In reality there are many facets of my life that need polishing but I’m getting there, gradually. The neat thing is that when I step outside of the box and take a look at my life I can see the evolution of it with my own eyes and how it’s molding me to be the person I’ve become. It’s an interesting process, this growing business. But I can honestly say that, at least right now in this moment, I’m up for the challenge.